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PART 1

What is bullying?

Bullying is when people repeatedly and intentionally use words or actions against someone or a group of people to cause distress and risk to their wellbeing. These actions are usually done by people who have more influence or power over someone else, or who want to make someone else feel less powerful or helpless.

Bullying can happen in many places.  It can include religion, disability, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or anything else that makes people different.

Most people have experienced bullying at some stage in their life.  As an adult I find that being bullied happens less when you get older.  Perhaps it’s because you learn to deal with it better or as an adult you learn to just brush it off.  Unfortunately, the same thing cannot be said for children. As parents, we need to help our children deal with and understand what bullying is about.

Recognise the signs of bullying

Is your child being bullied?  Bullying and cyber bullying can happen to any child anywhere that children meet, whether at the school, the playground or on-line. While research indicates that obese, shy, depressed, minority, and special-needs children experience a higher likelihood of being bullied, it’s important to note that just because your child may not fit one of these profiles that they could still become a victim.

Bullying is a highly emotive subject for children and parents. If you think your child may be being bullied, the next step is encouraging them to talk to you about it. Explain what bullying is to your child first and ask them if they have ever witnessed or experienced it.  Understand, however, that the majority of children don’t tell parents or adults about bullying.

The following signs might indicate that your child is being bullied:

  • When your child comes home, he/she is moody or sad and afraid of going to school or gathering with other children;
  • Pieces of your child’s clothing or other belongings are torn or missing;
  • Your child has unexplained bruises, cuts or scratches;
  • Your child seems anxious or insecure.

It is most important that you as a parent talk about bullying to your children.

Even if the signs are not there, explaining bullying to your child may help them in turn pass on the information to others.

PART 2

Am I a bully?

So you don’t think you are a bully?

Ask your child the following questions and then ask them to be honest with themselves.

  • Do you make mean faces or hand signals to each other?
  • Do you spread rumours or say mean things about others behind their back?
  • Do you often make fun of or tease others?
  • Do you whisper secrets to a friend, in front of another person and then not share that secret with him or her on purpose?
  • Have you purposely not invited someone to hang out with you or your friends?
  • Have you ever been or are currently a part of a clique that is exclusive about who you can or cannot be friends with and has not let others join?
  • Do you make fun of others because they are different from you and your friends?
  • Have you ever threatened to hurt someone?
  • Have you ever punched, shoved or hit another boy or girl?

Did they answer yes to any of these examples?  If they did, they may at some stage they may have been a bully.

Say the word “bully” and most people think of a thug. Nobody likes them but their ability to frighten other children makes them somehow larger than life.  Just about any child may be drawn into it, and over the course of childhood, almost all children are affected.

Most people think that bullies have low self-esteem.  In fact, often the bully feels good about bullying, especially if it makes him popular (or feared) at school.  Bullies often possess one of two distinct types of personality:  dominant (the alpha male or female), or seeking dominance via humiliation (as they have low self-esteem).

Research suggests that parents of bullies show some common traits:  a lack of time for, and interest in, the child’s early years; too much tolerance of aggressive behaviour; and frequent use of physical punishment for ‘discipline’.

Some bullies may not even understand how wrong their behaviour is and how it makes the person being bullied feel. If you want to be more popular, help others that are being bullied.

How can I stop being a bully?

People who bully others often find it hard to ask for help. They may be worried that they’ll get into trouble with their teachers or that they’ll be bullied themselves.

It takes courage to stop being a bully. Just because you’ve been involved in it doesn’t mean you have to continue. Help with bullying is not only available to those who’ve been bullied. Many anti-bullying support groups also help people who are involved in bullying.

Talk to a parent, teacher or an older pupil who you get on well with. If there’s any support system in your school for those who are bullied (e.g. a teacher who is designated to deal with bullying), they should be able to help you too.

Some schools have peer-support schemes, where older children are trained to help younger children deal with bullying. Peer-support is usually available to children and young people who say they’re bullies.

Why do people bully others?

There are many reasons why people bully others.

  • It may be that they’re unhappy and taking it out on someone else.
  • Many people who bully have low self-esteem, and bullying can be a way of coping with it.
  • In some cases, people who bully are also being bullied themselves.
  • Others are encouraged by their friends to bully, and they do it because they don’t want to be left out.
  • Some people pick on others because they’re looking for attention or because they’re feeling jealous.

“When you offer your support for other people, you will find more strength in friendship”

PART 3

Are you a victim of bullying?

“Use your smile to change the world, don’t let the world change your smile”

Some children live in enormous fear of bullies.  It can be so bad that their sleep, appetite and health suffers and they become depressed.  If your child is always a target, chances are that he/she needs to learn how to:

  • avoid contact with bullies,
  • how to assert the message for the bully to ‘back off’ if confronted,
  • how to stop aggravating bullies (however innocently),
  • and as a back-up, maybe some self-defence tactics (but be warned – advertised skills attract challengers).

Whatever the tactics, the message must be that bullying is not acceptable.

Bullies have a tendency to pick on victims by force, who they feel are not capable of retaliating, or who cannot handle remarks that are made only to decrease the person’s self-esteem.

Taking away self-confidence in someone can lead to many health problems including stress, anxiety, loss of appetite, lack of interest in activities and in some serious cases has led to suicide.

The most important thing to do about being bullied is to tell someone, you may be afraid of the bully but NEVER be afraid of talking to someone about it.

Strategies to help yourself

There are lots of ways to stop being bullied.   Believe it or not, yelling at the top of your voice, “BACK OFF” is one of the most effective ways to stop someone bullying you. It throws the spotlight back onto the bully and in doing so can embarrass the person to others and can also make them realise their actions are that of a bully. Remember, some people don’t even know they are bullying.

If you don’t feel you have the confidence to do this then you need to look at other options that may suit you better.

If you have been keeping things to yourself a situation may appear to be more overwhelming than it actually is. The person you tell may help you see the situation in a new or different perspective. Someone outside the situation will be able to be more neutral about what is going on. They may suggest options that you had not thought about before.  Talking through your concerns can also release a lot of pent-up tension and give you new insights into what is going on.

Another important thing to remember, once you tell someone, family, friend or work colleague about being a victim of bullying and it still continues, talk to someone else until you get a positive response and the bullying stops.

Other strategies that should only be tried if you are not in any immediate danger of being physically hurt and you feel confident you can do them:

  • Ignore the bully – walk away.
  • Act unimpressed or pretend you don’t care what they say or do to you. You could say “okay, whatever” and walk away.
  • Use some strategies like fogging, to discourage the person bullying without antagonising them. Fogging is a technique that distracts the bully. You can give the bully a funny comment that makes them think you don’t care about what they say.
  • Parents in particular, if your child is being bullied you should be the first to respond and seek help. All schools are very aware of bullying and have programs in place to assist you. Once again if you are not successful then don’t give up until you get results.
  • Finally it is most important to work on building self-confidence in children and helping them find a solution.

Remember, bullying is a major issue and no matter where you are, help is just around the corner.

PART 4

The Bystander

“If you turn and face the other way when someone is being bullied, you might as well be the bully too”

Bystanders can act in different ways when they see or know about bullying:

  • Some bystanders take the side of the bully by laughing at the victim, encouraging the bully or by passing on text messages or messages on social media sites like Facebook and YouTube.
  • Some bystanders will give silent approval or encourage the bully by looking on.
  • Some bystanders may watch or know about the bullying but don’t do anything. They may not know what to do or are scared. This group of bystanders knows that bullying is not okay.
  • Some bystanders will be supportive and take safe action to stop the bully, find help or support the victim.

Strategies to help your friend?

“Where their is unity there is strength, when you stick together you can overcome anything”

If you find that a friend or someone needs your help there are actions you can take.

  • Refuse to join in if you see someone being bullied. It can be hard to resist if a bully tries to get you to taunt or torment someone, and you may fear the bully will turn on you if you do not participate, but try to stand firm. Make it clear to your friends that you won’t be involved in bullying behaviour.
  • Attempt to defuse bullying situations when you see them starting up. For example, try to draw attention away from the targeted person, or take the bully aside and ask him/her to “cool it.” Do not place yourself at risk, however. If you can do so without risk to your own safety, get a teacher, parent, or other responsible adult to come and help immediately.
  • Do not harass, tease or spread gossip about others. Never forward or respond to messages or photos that may be offensive or upsetting.  If the bullying is serious, report it to the police; if the bullying occurs on Facebook, report it to Facebook.
  • Speak up and/or offer support to bullied victims when you witness bullying. For example, help them up if they have been tripped or knocked down. If you feel you cannot do this at the time, privately support those being hurt with words of kindness or condolence later.
  • Encourage bullied victims to talk with parents or a trusted adult. Offer to go with the person if it would help. Tell an adult yourself if the victim is unwilling to report the bullying. If necessary for your safety, do this anonymously.

PART 5

Steps you can take to help your child

Your child has been a victim of bullying.

Of course children have to learn how to cope with the good, the bad and the ugly – that’s life, but feeling bullied makes learning unattainable, disagreeable and downright painful.  For parents, a child coming home clearly upset and distraught from an incident at school is confronting.  A sound piece of advice is to work with the school – don’t rush into phone calls with other parents.

What to do after a bullying incident

  • Firstly you need to determine whether the incident is in fact ‘bullying’. Unfortunately what we once considered ‘teasing’ is now called bullying.
  • There are always two sides to a story. Listen to all the information from your child, bearing in mind that his/her perception may not be the same as the other child’s.  The incident may have been bullying or your child may have been involved in a dispute over a decision.
  • If it is a one-off incident, comfort your child then talk through the situation together looking for ways to solve the problem. It is important that parents don’t take over, and allow the child to solve the problem themselves.
  • If it is bullying, action needs to be taken. Children don’t want to trouble parents with their problems, so you may not find out about the bullying until well into the bullying cycle.  Comfort your child and tell him/her that you won’t allow the bullying to continue.
  • Talk to the teacher with your child in a three-way discussion to come up with a solution that has the greatest support and awareness of all parties, then organise a review. Research shows that the best way to deal with bullying is to get bystanders to stand up and do what is right.  This is best done by a class coming up with its own code of conduct.  This way the children assert their own rules for their behaviour – that is, they learn to take ownership and responsibility.
  • Parents should support their children by following up on reported bullying incidents. Having the support of your parents or another adult is a good confidence booster for children. It is important to support your child as they may lack the skills and confidence to deal with the bullying issue on their own. People that are bullied are victims and need support from people who care.